At first I was resistant to watching Modern Love (TV series on Amazon Prime Video) because the characters don't carry over from episode to episode and I thought I'd desperately miss out on character development. But oh how I'm glad I gave it a try (thank you to sister-friend Beth for the recommendation!)! I found that with all the episodes (with the exception of the first with the dearly protective door man), I could find myself inside each of the love stories. Sometimes verbatim. Every time, even with the episodes I thought would not elicit any emotion, sure enough, usually near the end, my heart broke wide open, and tears poured forth. This gigantua emotional release had its way with me. Followed by an exhaustion like one feels after a satisfying workout. Then I began to realize, hey wait a minute, I don't actually watch love stories anymore—not since I got two boys who are way more into watching shows and movies about machines, weather, space, and war.
Then I remembered how much I fell in love with the arrival of our holiday Alexa. Why? Because at the drop of a Keller command, I could request nearly any song I wanted, and boom, instant music that filled, opened, energized, and soothed my heart. That then made me miss attending worship, where every Sunday, songs and singing and poetic liturgy were felt on our collective tongues, lungs and longing souls.
I noticed a theme. All these ways that once allowed for healing emotional release have been absent from my life. Even running had become absent—due to a hurting back—and wow what a release of fire that was for me!
It wasn't only the absence of emotional release, but the presence of deep, resounding feeling. This feeling—almost like heartache because it reaches so deep to the core that the heart might not be able to bear its enormity—this feeling that makes life worth living, that remembers our connection to all of life itself.
So it's decided, 2020 will be a year when I will reintroduce these elements that make way for this enormous feeling of life itself. Who's in?